Now that winter's coming, some of you will no longer be gardening or dead tired
from gardening. You will now have the time and energy for another " endeavor".
If it's America's favorite indoor sport, (and you know who you are) the
following might be of interest.
PREGNANCY QUESTIONS & ANSWERS
Here are some real answers to some real questions regarding pregnancy:
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. My *** type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What
if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be
beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and
genes for big noses are ***, my baby will have a big nose
as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes
she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while
my wife is in labor?
A. No, not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store *** milk?
A. In your ***s.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to
feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. Since I became pregnant, my ***s, rear end, and even my feet
have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed
at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.
Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring
A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in
that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only-doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers,
florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to *** pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize ***s?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your ***s after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's ***s.
Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her ***
and puts him to sleep first.
Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied ***s.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's
Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear
anything at all.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
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