Am I right to feel annoyed (OT)

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Am I right to feel annoyed (OT)

Post by Lesle » Tue, 20 May 2008 02:08:18



Okay last Friday was the 4th anniversary of my mum's death. So
arrangements were made to go to the crematorium...

One of my brothers is in Paris on business on the day but offered to
pay for flowers but my other brother agreed to collect me from the
station so I got there early because there is a nice florist who do
lovely bouquets nearby so I figured get something to eat (Jim had had
to change the plans that morning so I suddenly didn't have time to t
eat and be sure of getting there in time) and some flowers....alas as
I only go to Upminster every year since last year the florists have
changed into yet another branch of "Costa coffee" or as I call it
"Costalot coffee"so I went back to the station expecting my brother
would have brought some flowers....

He hadn't said he didn't think it was important I said well I did and
can we stop off and  get some I'll pay? So we passed 3 florists and
every time he said he couldn't park we'd just missed it anyway

So we got to the crematorium and he sat on the bench by their marker
saying how he hardly ever thought of mum or dad now. Now I know it;s
just a marker- mum and dad are somewhere else and her ashes are still
in his garage but is it just me being unreasonable to think we should
have at least brought flowers? As it was seemed like the main reason
for meeting was to introduce me to my new great-neice- who showed
rermarkable sense in an 11-week old baby, she took one look at me and
promptly pretended to be asleep, which meant we were both spared the
ordeal of me having to pick her up!

After 10-15 minutes he said he had to get back so off we went. I got
him to drop me at a station where I know there is a florist nearby
(Very good they did the flowers for her funeral), got a lovely bunch
of flowers then got a train back to where I had started from, got a
cab to the crematiorium and quickly (Had to be I had a cab waiting)
put flowers down then went home

Later on he called me- one of our aunts went along later with their
flowers and mentioned to him that we had left such lovely flowers (I
put all our names on the card) and now he's mad at me because he says
if he had known how important it was to me (I told him it was) he'd
have brought some or let me get out to get some and I made him look
stupid when he had to say "What flowers?" (Bit slow of him, if I was
in that position I would have said "Yes they were nice weren't they?"-
then again I lie better!)

I just couldn't believe his attitude about the flowers- this is the
guy who we all thought would have a breakdown because he was so close
to mum and yet 4 years later, he can't be bothered to bring flowers
and says he hardly ever thinks of her. When I said I do quite a lot he
said his wife says she does think of mum from time to time perhaps
it's a female thing...

Now I had a LOT of problems with my relationship with mum and he was
the golden boy but I think not to bring flowers on the 4th anniversary
is not right

Sorry I am letting off steam

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furballs

 
 
 

Am I right to feel annoyed (OT)

Post by Joy » Tue, 20 May 2008 03:09:08



Quote:
> Okay last Friday was the 4th anniversary of my mum's death. So
> arrangements were made to go to the crematorium...

> One of my brothers is in Paris on business on the day but offered to
> pay for flowers but my other brother agreed to collect me from the
> station so I got there early because there is a nice florist who do
> lovely bouquets nearby so I figured get something to eat (Jim had had
> to change the plans that morning so I suddenly didn't have time to t
> eat and be sure of getting there in time) and some flowers....alas as
> I only go to Upminster every year since last year the florists have
> changed into yet another branch of "Costa coffee" or as I call it
> "Costalot coffee"so I went back to the station expecting my brother
> would have brought some flowers....

> He hadn't said he didn't think it was important I said well I did and
> can we stop off and  get some I'll pay? So we passed 3 florists and
> every time he said he couldn't park we'd just missed it anyway

> So we got to the crematorium and he sat on the bench by their marker
> saying how he hardly ever thought of mum or dad now. Now I know it;s
> just a marker- mum and dad are somewhere else and her ashes are still
> in his garage but is it just me being unreasonable to think we should
> have at least brought flowers? As it was seemed like the main reason
> for meeting was to introduce me to my new great-neice- who showed
> rermarkable sense in an 11-week old baby, she took one look at me and
> promptly pretended to be asleep, which meant we were both spared the
> ordeal of me having to pick her up!

> After 10-15 minutes he said he had to get back so off we went. I got
> him to drop me at a station where I know there is a florist nearby
> (Very good they did the flowers for her funeral), got a lovely bunch
> of flowers then got a train back to where I had started from, got a
> cab to the crematiorium and quickly (Had to be I had a cab waiting)
> put flowers down then went home

> Later on he called me- one of our aunts went along later with their
> flowers and mentioned to him that we had left such lovely flowers (I
> put all our names on the card) and now he's mad at me because he says
> if he had known how important it was to me (I told him it was) he'd
> have brought some or let me get out to get some and I made him look
> stupid when he had to say "What flowers?" (Bit slow of him, if I was
> in that position I would have said "Yes they were nice weren't they?"-
> then again I lie better!)

> I just couldn't believe his attitude about the flowers- this is the
> guy who we all thought would have a breakdown because he was so close
> to mum and yet 4 years later, he can't be bothered to bring flowers
> and says he hardly ever thinks of her. When I said I do quite a lot he
> said his wife says she does think of mum from time to time perhaps
> it's a female thing...

> Now I had a LOT of problems with my relationship with mum and he was
> the golden boy but I think not to bring flowers on the 4th anniversary
> is not right

> Sorry I am letting off steam

> Lesley

> Slave of the Fabulous Furballs

At least you have the satisfaction of knowing he got caught out.  I can
understand why you were upset.

(((((((((Lesley))))))))))

Joy

 
 
 

Am I right to feel annoyed (OT)

Post by Kreislerian » Tue, 20 May 2008 03:52:25



Quote:
> Okay last Friday was the 4th anniversary of my mum's death. So
> arrangements were made to go to the crematorium...

> One of my brothers is in Paris on business on the day but offered to
> pay for flowers but my other brother agreed to collect me from the
> station so I got there early because there is a nice florist who do
> lovely bouquets nearby so I figured get something to eat (Jim had had
> to change the plans that morning so I suddenly didn't have time to t
> eat and be sure of getting there in time) and some flowers....alas as
> I only go to Upminster every year since last year the florists have
> changed into yet another branch of "Costa coffee" or as I call it
> "Costalot coffee"so I went back to the station expecting my brother
> would have brought some flowers....

> He hadn't said he didn't think it was important I said well I did and
> can we stop off and  get some I'll pay? So we passed 3 florists and
> every time he said he couldn't park we'd just missed it anyway

> So we got to the crematorium and he sat on the bench by their marker
> saying how he hardly ever thought of mum or dad now. Now I know it;s
> just a marker- mum and dad are somewhere else and her ashes are still
> in his garage but is it just me being unreasonable to think we should
> have at least brought flowers? As it was seemed like the main reason
> for meeting was to introduce me to my new great-neice- who showed
> rermarkable sense in an 11-week old baby, she took one look at me and
> promptly pretended to be asleep, which meant we were both spared the
> ordeal of me having to pick her up!

> After 10-15 minutes he said he had to get back so off we went. I got
> him to drop me at a station where I know there is a florist nearby
> (Very good they did the flowers for her funeral), got a lovely bunch
> of flowers then got a train back to where I had started from, got a
> cab to the crematiorium and quickly (Had to be I had a cab waiting)
> put flowers down then went home

> Later on he called me- one of our aunts went along later with their
> flowers and mentioned to him that we had left such lovely flowers (I
> put all our names on the card) and now he's mad at me because he says
> if he had known how important it was to me (I told him it was) he'd
> have brought some or let me get out to get some and I made him look
> stupid when he had to say "What flowers?" (Bit slow of him, if I was
> in that position I would have said "Yes they were nice weren't they?"-
> then again I lie better!)

> I just couldn't believe his attitude about the flowers- this is the
> guy who we all thought would have a breakdown because he was so close
> to mum and yet 4 years later, he can't be bothered to bring flowers
> and says he hardly ever thinks of her. When I said I do quite a lot he
> said his wife says she does think of mum from time to time perhaps
> it's a female thing...

> Now I had a LOT of problems with my relationship with mum and he was
> the golden boy but I think not to bring flowers on the 4th anniversary
> is not right

> Sorry I am letting off steam

> Lesley

> Slave of the Fabulous Furballs

Yes, but don't waste your time and brain space on him.  It's so distressing
when siblings act like a**h***s, especially after a parent's death, because
you so much wish you could all be on the same page.

--
Theresa, Stinky and Dante
drtmuirATearthlink.net

Stinky Pictures: http://community.webshots.com/album/125591586JWEFwh

 
 
 

Am I right to feel annoyed (OT)

Post by Lesle » Tue, 20 May 2008 04:16:39



Quote:

> At least you have the satisfaction of knowing he got caught out.

I didn't want him to "get caught out" I know he has a lot of other
worries on his plate right now....I just wanted to do the decent thing
and had planned to call him and say I'd done it

Lesley

Slave of the Fabulous Furballs

 
 
 

Am I right to feel annoyed (OT)

Post by Granb » Tue, 20 May 2008 04:30:02


Tomorrow it will be two years since my husband died.  His 2 kids, it is like
he never existed.  Sometimes it seems like yesterday and sometimes like
forever to me that is.  I really don't worry much about how others feel.  I
have learned that part of handling grief for some is to put the person in a
private box in their heart.  It would hurt too much to show they still
cared.  You did the right thing for you, and I am proud of you for doing it,
just let each handle it in their own way or you will be miserable and, you
don't need that.

Quote:
> Okay last Friday was the 4th anniversary of my mum's death. So
> arrangements were made to go to the crematorium...

> One of my brothers is in Paris on business on the day but offered to
> pay for flowers but my other brother agreed to collect me from the
> station so I got there early because there is a nice florist who do
> lovely bouquets nearby so I figured get something to eat (Jim had had
> to change the plans that morning so I suddenly didn't have time to t
> eat and be sure of getting there in time) and some flowers....alas as
> I only go to Upminster every year since last year the florists have
> changed into yet another branch of "Costa coffee" or as I call it
> "Costalot coffee"so I went back to the station expecting my brother
> would have brought some flowers....

> He hadn't said he didn't think it was important I said well I did and
> can we stop off and  get some I'll pay? So we passed 3 florists and
> every time he said he couldn't park we'd just missed it anyway

> So we got to the crematorium and he sat on the bench by their marker
> saying how he hardly ever thought of mum or dad now. Now I know it;s
> just a marker- mum and dad are somewhere else and her ashes are still
> in his garage but is it just me being unreasonable to think we should
> have at least brought flowers? As it was seemed like the main reason
> for meeting was to introduce me to my new great-neice- who showed
> rermarkable sense in an 11-week old baby, she took one look at me and
> promptly pretended to be asleep, which meant we were both spared the
> ordeal of me having to pick her up!

> After 10-15 minutes he said he had to get back so off we went. I got
> him to drop me at a station where I know there is a florist nearby
> (Very good they did the flowers for her funeral), got a lovely bunch
> of flowers then got a train back to where I had started from, got a
> cab to the crematiorium and quickly (Had to be I had a cab waiting)
> put flowers down then went home

> Later on he called me- one of our aunts went along later with their
> flowers and mentioned to him that we had left such lovely flowers (I
> put all our names on the card) and now he's mad at me because he says
> if he had known how important it was to me (I told him it was) he'd
> have brought some or let me get out to get some and I made him look
> stupid when he had to say "What flowers?" (Bit slow of him, if I was
> in that position I would have said "Yes they were nice weren't they?"-
> then again I lie better!)

> I just couldn't believe his attitude about the flowers- this is the
> guy who we all thought would have a breakdown because he was so close
> to mum and yet 4 years later, he can't be bothered to bring flowers
> and says he hardly ever thinks of her. When I said I do quite a lot he
> said his wife says she does think of mum from time to time perhaps
> it's a female thing...

> Now I had a LOT of problems with my relationship with mum and he was
> the golden boy but I think not to bring flowers on the 4th anniversary
> is not right

> Sorry I am letting off steam

> Lesley

> Slave of the Fabulous Furballs

 
 
 

Am I right to feel annoyed (OT)

Post by Joy » Tue, 20 May 2008 04:40:35




Quote:

> At least you have the satisfaction of knowing he got caught out.

I didn't want him to "get caught out" I know he has a lot of other
worries on his plate right now....I just wanted to do the decent thing
and had planned to call him and say I'd done it

Lesley

***

You are a good person, Lesley.

Joy

 
 
 

Am I right to feel annoyed (OT)

Post by tanadashoe » Tue, 20 May 2008 05:40:27



Quote:

> I just couldn't believe his attitude about the flowers- this is the
> guy who we all thought would have a breakdown because he was so close
> to mum and yet 4 years later, he can't be bothered to bring flowers
> and says he hardly ever thinks of her. When I said I do quite a lot he
> said his wife says she does think of mum from time to time perhaps
> it's a female thing...

> Now I had a LOT of problems with my relationship with mum and he was
> the golden boy but I think not to bring flowers on the 4th anniversary
> is not right

> Sorry I am letting off steam

Rant away.  If my kids forget to bring me flowers on the anniversary of my
death, I'm going to come back and haunt them.  I don't send flowers to my
parents, but there are a lot of good reasons for that.  Like I not only live
across the country, but the only person available to put them on the graves
is totally unreliable, a liar, and a thief.  I think of Mom every Memorial
day as she died on Memorial day 1971.  I try not to think about my father.

Pam S.

 
 
 

Am I right to feel annoyed (OT)

Post by outside » Tue, 20 May 2008 06:59:05




Quote:
> Tomorrow it will be two years since my husband died.  His 2 kids, it
> is like he never existed.  Sometimes it seems like yesterday and
> sometimes like forever to me that is.  I really don't worry much about
> how others feel.  I have learned that part of handling grief for some
> is to put the person in a private box in their heart.  It would hurt
> too much to show they still cared.  You did the right thing for you,
> and I am proud of you for doing it, just let each handle it in their
> own way or you will be miserable and, you don't need that.


> ..

well put.

My mother has been gone almost 21 years, my father almost exactly 2.  
Little time goes by that I don't think of them.  I don't go grave sites, my
parents are not there (my father's ashes were released at sea so he has no
grave site anyway).  If someone wanted to draw a conclusion about how much
I loved my mother by my not visiting a grave they are welcome to conclude
what they like.  I try to carry my parents with me every day (what would
Dad do, what would Mom do?).  If there is someone whose standard I don't
meet in this,***them.

Andy

 
 
 

Am I right to feel annoyed (OT)

Post by wafflyca » Tue, 20 May 2008 07:12:56


Yes, I'd be upset if it were me. But then again, he's a bloke, and blokes
generally just don't 'get' how important flowers can be at any
time/occasion. Also looking at it in a kindly light - if he's got a lot of
other worries at the moment, he could well be utterly distracted by those.
And, everyone handles grief differently, there is no single 'right way' for
a person to grieve. It may be that he finds it upsetting to talk about your
mum and being a bloke, shuts it off... copuld be all sorts of reasons.

*hugs*

 
 
 

Am I right to feel annoyed (OT)

Post by Yowi » Tue, 20 May 2008 09:42:24


Quote:

> Okay last Friday was the 4th anniversary of my mum's death. So
> arrangements were made to go to the crematorium...

<snip>

Quote:
> I just couldn't believe his attitude about the flowers- this is the
> guy who we all thought would have a breakdown because he was so close
> to mum and yet 4 years later, he can't be bothered to bring flowers
> and says he hardly ever thinks of her. When I said I do quite a lot he
> said his wife says she does think of mum from time to time perhaps
> it's a female thing...

> Now I had a LOT of problems with my relationship with mum and he was
> the golden boy but I think not to bring flowers on the 4th anniversary
> is not right

> Sorry I am letting off steam

I don't know your brother, but clearly your brother didn't think flowers
were important, and you did. Thats why you went back with flowers. But its
not really about flowers...

There are two issues here: that he 'doesn't think of your mother much'
whilst you do, and that he didn't listen to you and your desire to get
flowers (even though they were unimportant to him).

If I was in that situation, I would have interpretted those two things as
him not caring about me and my feelings, and him not caring about our
mother. *That* would have me royally annoyed too.

Yowie

 
 
 

Am I right to feel annoyed (OT)

Post by Enfilad » Tue, 20 May 2008 09:49:08


You need to do what you feel is right and let other people deal with
their own things.

If you want to take flowers, take them.  Do it yourself.  Other people
have their own house to put in order and they have to do it
themselves.

It may be that your brother does not consider flowers important (It
took me several years to explain that even if DP thought sending cards
for special occasions was stupid, the gesture was meaningful to his
grandparents and parents).  He DID visit the marker with you, that has
to count for something.

I may look bad to many of my relatives for not attending my
grandmother's funeral (she is the one who raised me).  I spent my
money going to see her when she was ALIVE earlier that year and had no
money left to fly to a funeral, nor did I want to pressure my mom into
giving me money as I got the impression she didn't want me there (she
had her own grief to deal with and we inevitably fight when we're in
close contact too long, even WITHOUT outside pressures like a death in
the family).  I have a shrine to my grandmother in my house and I
think that does her a greater service than me fighting with my mom at
the funeral--the only thing is, none of the family knows, and they
might well think me a loser.  I can live with that.

Maybe your brother shows his grief in other ways (and doesn't want to
tell) or maybe he really has moved on almost completely, but that's
not really your concern--your OWN relationship to your mother is.

Quote:
> > Yes, I'd be upset if it were me.

 
 
 

Am I right to feel annoyed (OT)

Post by Granb » Tue, 20 May 2008 10:05:40


I have always told my children to give me flowers, come and see me while I
know they are here.  I have seen friends go into debt to fly across the
country when someone dies and I know the person would hate that if they
knew.  Give the love now, once someone is gone, that is the end of it.

Quote:

> You need to do what you feel is right and let other people deal with
> their own things.

> If you want to take flowers, take them.  Do it yourself.  Other people
> have their own house to put in order and they have to do it
> themselves.

> It may be that your brother does not consider flowers important (It
> took me several years to explain that even if DP thought sending cards
> for special occasions was stupid, the gesture was meaningful to his
> grandparents and parents).  He DID visit the marker with you, that has
> to count for something.

> I may look bad to many of my relatives for not attending my
> grandmother's funeral (she is the one who raised me).  I spent my
> money going to see her when she was ALIVE earlier that year and had no
> money left to fly to a funeral, nor did I want to pressure my mom into
> giving me money as I got the impression she didn't want me there (she
> had her own grief to deal with and we inevitably fight when we're in
> close contact too long, even WITHOUT outside pressures like a death in
> the family).  I have a shrine to my grandmother in my house and I
> think that does her a greater service than me fighting with my mom at
> the funeral--the only thing is, none of the family knows, and they
> might well think me a loser.  I can live with that.

> Maybe your brother shows his grief in other ways (and doesn't want to
> tell) or maybe he really has moved on almost completely, but that's
> not really your concern--your OWN relationship to your mother is.

>> > Yes, I'd be upset if it were me.

 
 
 

Am I right to feel annoyed (OT)

Post by Jo Fire » Tue, 20 May 2008 10:26:54



Quote:
> Okay last Friday was the 4th anniversary of my mum's death. So
> arrangements were made to go to the crematorium...

> One of my brothers is in Paris on business on the day but offered to
> pay for flowers but my other brother agreed to collect me from the
> station so I got there early because there is a nice florist who do
> lovely bouquets nearby so I figured get something to eat (Jim had had
> to change the plans that morning so I suddenly didn't have time to t
> eat and be sure of getting there in time) and some flowers....alas as
> I only go to Upminster every year since last year the florists have
> changed into yet another branch of "Costa coffee" or as I call it
> "Costalot coffee"so I went back to the station expecting my brother
> would have brought some flowers....

Right or wrong apply to what we do, not to how we feel.

We pretty much feel what we feel, not a whole lot of choice about it.

What matters to some of us, doesn't matter a bit to others.  Much to
everyone's dismay a lot of the time.

I know it would never occur to Charlie to remember the date of anyone's
death, much less to make a point of visiting or bringing flowers.  We were
trying to figure out a while ago when he last saw his nephew.  It was at
his mother's funeral, I think.  Probably about twelve years ago.  I'm not
sure and he has no clue.  Only that close as his nephew's daughter is
getting married next month and I think she was about five then.

As you  might imagine, he isn't really big on birthdays and anniversaries,
etc either.

So while there isn't any right or wrong about how you feel, you are
annoyed.  That is just as fair and legitimate as his inability to see and
understand that it matters to you.  Even when you told him.

Jo

 
 
 

Am I right to feel annoyed (OT)

Post by Matthe » Tue, 20 May 2008 11:44:46



Quote:


>> Tomorrow it will be two years since my husband died.  His 2 kids, it
>> is like he never existed.  Sometimes it seems like yesterday and
>> sometimes like forever to me that is.  I really don't worry much about
>> how others feel.  I have learned that part of handling grief for some
>> is to put the person in a private box in their heart.  It would hurt
>> too much to show they still cared.  You did the right thing for you,
>> and I am proud of you for doing it, just let each handle it in their
>> own way or you will be miserable and, you don't need that.


>> ..

> well put.

> My mother has been gone almost 21 years, my father almost exactly 2.
> Little time goes by that I don't think of them.  I don't go grave sites,
> my
> parents are not there (my father's ashes were released at sea so he has no
> grave site anyway).  If someone wanted to draw a conclusion about how much
> I loved my mother by my not visiting a grave they are welcome to conclude
> what they like.  I try to carry my parents with me every day (what would
> Dad do, what would Mom do?).  If there is someone whose standard I don't
> meet in this,***them.

> Andy

Nothing wrong with that I firmly believe the body is just a husk.  the soul
joins the rest of the people, family, friends, furballs that love me and are
there to watch over me.   I  don't mourn the dead I celebrate their life.  I
took me a little while to come back and realize that with Spirit's death yes
it hurt but I know he is up there waiting with the rest of the ones that I
love driving them insane like he did to me here.  By the gods how I miss him
butI will see him again
 
 
 

Am I right to feel annoyed (OT)

Post by Wolf » Tue, 20 May 2008 14:06:04



Quote:
> Okay last Friday was the 4th anniversary of my mum's death. So
> arrangements were made to go to the crematorium...

> One of my brothers is in Paris on business on the day but offered to
> pay for flowers but my other brother agreed to collect me from the
> station so I got there early because there is a nice florist who do
> lovely bouquets nearby so I figured get something to eat (Jim had had
> to change the plans that morning so I suddenly didn't have time to t
> eat and be sure of getting there in time) and some flowers....alas as
> I only go to Upminster every year since last year the florists have
> changed into yet another branch of "Costa coffee" or as I call it
> "Costalot coffee"so I went back to the station expecting my brother
> would have brought some flowers....

> He hadn't said he didn't think it was important I said well I did and
> can we stop off and ?get some I'll pay? So we passed 3 florists and
> every time he said he couldn't park we'd just missed it anyway

> So we got to the crematorium and he sat on the bench by their marker
> saying how he hardly ever thought of mum or dad now. Now I know it;s
> just a marker- mum and dad are somewhere else and her ashes are still
> in his garage but is it just me being unreasonable to think we should
> have at least brought flowers? As it was seemed like the main reason
> for meeting was to introduce me to my new great-neice- who showed
> rermarkable sense in an 11-week old baby, she took one look at me and
> promptly pretended to be asleep, which meant we were both spared the
> ordeal of me having to pick her up!

> After 10-15 minutes he said he had to get back so off we went. I got
> him to drop me at a station where I know there is a florist nearby
> (Very good they did the flowers for her funeral), got a lovely bunch
> of flowers then got a train back to where I had started from, got a
> cab to the crematiorium and quickly (Had to be I had a cab waiting)
> put flowers down then went home

> Later on he called me- one of our aunts went along later with their
> flowers and mentioned to him that we had left such lovely flowers (I
> put all our names on the card) and now he's mad at me because he says
> if he had known how important it was to me (I told him it was) he'd
> have brought some or let me get out to get some and I made him look
> stupid when he had to say "What flowers?" (Bit slow of him, if I was
> in that position I would have said "Yes they were nice weren't they?"-
> then again I lie better!)

> I just couldn't believe his attitude about the flowers- this is the
> guy who we all thought would have a breakdown because he was so close
> to mum and yet 4 years later, he can't be bothered to bring flowers
> and says he hardly ever thinks of her. When I said I do quite a lot he
> said his wife says she does think of mum from time to time perhaps
> it's a female thing...

> Now I had a LOT of problems with my relationship with mum and he was
> the golden boy but I think not to bring flowers on the 4th anniversary
> is not right

> Sorry I am letting off steam

> Lesley

> Slave of the Fabulous Furballs

Maybe he can't really take the pain and so blocks out thoughts of Mum?